Sorry this post is a little late. I was sick all last week, so give me a break. BUT, as they say, every grey cloud has a silver lining. While I was spending countless hours on the toilet, I had plenty of time to think about this week’s Lame Ass Celebrity. Then In a pure moment of inspiration, it came to me. I think I even exclaimed, “Excrement!”. I had it.
Who is the biggest turd in hollywood today? Who’s movies are so bad that you’d rather shit yourself than have to sit through them? I’m talking about none other than Dane Cook. Mr. Taint himself.
I don’t know what’s worse: Is it that Dane steals jokes from other comedians that are much funnier? Or is it that he stole his stupid handsign from Vanilla Ice? Yep, yep dude. You fuckin’ suck. Nothing saps credibility out of something like when one of it’s ambassadors is a hack. You’re one of the most popular young (I use that term loosely) comedians and you can’t think of anything original other than “I’m a velocoraptor”. LAME! Not just lame, that shit wasn’t funny when Jim Carrey was doing it 15 years ago. I was just too young to realize the difference between stupidly sad and genuinely funny. There is a fine line and you’re light years away from the latter.
Here is what’s the fuckin’ saddest thing. You and Jessica “Tony Romo’s Pump n’ Dump” Simpson were so horrible in EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH that you made Dax Shepard’s performance seem oscar-worthy. That guy was on PUNK’D and was only convincing as a retard or as a guy that was sleeping. Seriously man, you must have a 12″ salami and hungry italian plumbers for agents to keep getting roles in actual Hollywood movies.
I did get a chance to see the trailer for your new movie. It’s called MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL (title stolen from a song from the 80’s) (P.S. Help rid the movies of Dane Cook…Don’t go see it!!!). I’m going to take a total shot in the dark here, you play a shitbag that fucks everything with a pulse. Then your best friend finds a great girl and you make like a true douche and try to steal her away. Maybe you fuck her, maybe you just fuck her friend. In the end, you’ve turned over a new leaf. Shit, I just saved everybody from your horrid acting and $9. For that, you should buy me a beer (The donation link is –> that way). I wouldn’t even go to boo this movie at a free screening at the Krispy Kreme donut and Dr. Pepper Party.
OK, I’m going to close my eyes and imagine a vicious circle of dogs ripping you apart. I can see a rabid Jack Russell terrier destroying your taint like it was a rope toy. Until then, I’ll have to settle for making you this week’s LAME ASS CELEBRITY. And Dane, I’m going to be incredibly upset if I hear that you died after choking on some studio exec’s cock while auditioning to be Officer Shitbag in a Police Academy remake. We both know you never have any shot of getting that part.
