Lame Ass Celebrity of the Week – 8/24

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The Lame Ass Celebrity of the Week this week is none other

than Nicolas Cage.

Why? You might ask.

The question should, “be why not?”. Has this guy been in a movie in the last 5 years that wasn’t a complete turd? Any of you that just thought to yourself, “but what about National Treasure?”, need to stop reading right now. Seriously, click something else. I’m not kidding. Get the fuck out of here. You are not living the high life and you do not get to read my blogs.

Congress should pass a bill that will allocate the funding to have a huge granite hand giving the middle finger erected directly in front of Mt. Rushmore. Then a huge fucking plaque should be put next to it that says, “For Nicolas Cage, the worst actor ever”.

Do you want to know if you’re watching the worst movie ever? Here’s the test: Ask yourself, “Is Nicolas Cage in this movie?”. If the answer is “Yes”, then you are definitely watching the worst movie ever.

This guys sucks so bad that he got turned down for the LOOK WHO’s TALKING movies. The director, producer, and casting agent all are on record as saying that he just wasn’t believable as a human being. Sure he can walk and talk at the same time, but after about 3 seconds of dialogue I feel the overwhelming urge to wipe my ass and flush him down.

The worst part about this guy is that he ruins other actors for me. I went to see GHOST RIDER when it came out because I thought, this motherfucker couldn’t possibly fuck up playing a comic book character. I couldn’t have been more wrong. This guy stumbled through the movie like he had 2 x 4s for legs and he was playing the lead character of a movie about a retarded terminator that wanted to be a gay leather shop mannequin. The shitty thing is that after watching the movie, I have failed to achieve a erection upon looking at Eva Mendes. She’s fucking ruined for me. And this is after seeing her in STUCK ON YOU with the walking Snap-On tools Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear. Seriously, it’s been like 2 years since GHOST RIDER came out and I have yet to get wood thinking about Eva.

You know what else this asshat has ruined for me? Elvis. Not only did he appear as a flying Elvis in the movie that ruined Sarah Jessica “Ferris’ horsefaced wife” Parker, but he had to go and fuck Elvis’ daughter. And you know the only reason he did it was so that he could make her style her hair in the traditional Elvis style, put on a sequined jumpsuit, and pretend he was giving it to her “Jailhouse Rock” style. What’s next? Are you going to date James Brown’s daughter? What are you not into black singers?

I’m willing to bet that Francis Ford Coppola was ecstatic when he found out that you weren’t going to be dragging his ass down by trying to trade on his name. Yeah, I’m talking about you Nick Coppola. What the fuck’s up with actors changing their name? The only people that should change their name are women that get married (if they choose to), and fugitives that spend so long running and hiding from the law that they now have new lives and a spouse and kids. Definitely not actors that appear in cinematic bowel movements, like you, NICOLAS.

And what’s with spelling your name like that? That’s the lamest spelling of the name ever. Everybody knows the only way to spell it is NICHOLAS. The “H” is what makes it awesome. it’s “H”, as in “HOW AWESOME IS MY NAME?”. After further contemplation, I’m glad you spelled it in the traditional female way. Because you have a vagina.

And because you’re the LAME ASS CELEBRITY of the WEEK!

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Filed under Celebrities, Lame Ass Celebrity of the Week, Movies

Tags: Actor, Cage, Elvis, Eva Mendes, Ever, Ghost Rider, Hollywood, James Brown, Matt Damon, Movie, Nicolas, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sex, Snap-on Tools, Turd, Vagina, Worst