Lame Ass Celebrity of the Week 9/14

If you live in Texas or along the Gulf Coast, you have spent the last week paying close attention to Hurricane Ike.

Click on Picture to Donate to the Red Cross

I personally have many friends that were in the path of the storm. I’m incredibly happy to be able to say that all of my friends and family that were affected by Ike are safe. For all of those that can’t say the same thing, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your loved ones.

If Katrina in 2005 showed us anything, it was to not second guess nature. Hurricanes are a way of life, this time of year, for everyone on the gulf and southern Atlantic coasts. Preparation is the key. When I see the story of the evacuee that gave birth in the middle school, that had been made into a makeshift shelter, I can’t help but smile. The saying that Texas is like a whole other country has never been truer. Rivalries will always exist, but seeing the way that fellow texans have opened their homes to those in need, stands to remind us that we are all humans.

Those that we help today may never be called upon to return the favor, but the examples that are set today help to mold the future generations. Parents and mentors should use this opportunity to teach their children a lesson in what it means to be human and to live in a civilized world. It is also a reminder to take the time to plan for what possible natural disasters could fall upon all of us.

While Hurricane Ike may only be a “celebrity” for this past week, many of us took the time to tune in to the developments of this storm. Along with most hurricanes, Ike will go into the books as the big wolf that huffed, puffed, blew some houses down, and then disappeared. The waters will recede, houses will be rebuilt, and life will get back to normal. Mark it down: Texas 1, Ike 0. You got some good licks in, but you’re now just the Lame Ass Celebrity of the Week.

Lame Ass Celebrity of the Week 9/7

Sorry this post is a little late. I was sick all last week, so give me a break. BUT, as they say, every grey cloud has a silver lining. While I was spending countless hours on the toilet, I had plenty of time to think about this week’s Lame Ass Celebrity. Then In a pure moment of inspiration, it came to me. I think I even exclaimed, “Excrement!”. I had it.

Who is the biggest turd in hollywood today? Who’s movies are so bad that you’d rather shit yourself than have to sit through them? I’m talking about none other than Dane Cook. Mr. Taint himself.

I don’t know what’s worse: Is it that Dane steals jokes from other comedians that are much funnier? Or is it that he stole his stupid handsign from Vanilla Ice? Yep, yep dude. You fuckin’ suck. Nothing saps credibility out of something like when one of it’s ambassadors is a hack. You’re one of the most popular young (I use that term loosely) comedians and you can’t think of anything original other than “I’m a velocoraptor”. LAME! Not just lame, that shit wasn’t funny when Jim Carrey was doing it 15 years ago. I was just too young to realize the difference between stupidly sad and genuinely funny. There is a fine line and you’re light years away from the latter.

Here is what’s the fuckin’ saddest thing. You and Jessica “Tony Romo’s Pump n’ Dump” Simpson were so horrible in EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH that you made Dax Shepard’s performance seem oscar-worthy. That guy was on PUNK’D and was only convincing as a retard or as a guy that was sleeping. Seriously man, you must have a 12″ salami and hungry italian plumbers for agents to keep getting roles in actual Hollywood movies.

I did get a chance to see the trailer for your new movie. It’s called MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL (title stolen from a song from the 80’s) (P.S. Help rid the movies of Dane Cook…Don’t go see it!!!). I’m going to take a total shot in the dark here, you play a shitbag that fucks everything with a pulse. Then your best friend finds a great girl and you make like a true douche and try to steal her away. Maybe you fuck her, maybe you just fuck her friend. In the end, you’ve turned over a new leaf. Shit, I just saved everybody from your horrid acting and $9. For that, you should buy me a beer (The donation link is –> that way). I wouldn’t even go to boo this movie at a free screening at the Krispy Kreme donut and Dr. Pepper Party.

OK, I’m going to close my eyes and imagine a vicious circle of dogs ripping you apart. I can see a rabid Jack Russell terrier destroying your taint like it was a rope toy. Until then, I’ll have to settle for making you this week’s LAME ASS CELEBRITY. And Dane, I’m going to be incredibly upset if I hear that you died after choking on some studio exec’s cock while auditioning to be Officer Shitbag in a Police Academy remake. We both know you never have any shot of getting that part.

You Think You Know Slang? Here’s a Refresher

You know, I personally hate it when I find myself on the receiving end of some drug or street slang that I have never heard of. It makes me angry and I think about pulling out my gat and bustin’ some caps into asses. Since it is “technically” illegal to rollup some punk ass bitches, you might as well get yo ass edgeamacated.

Sure you know that weed, hash, and reefer are slang for Marijuana, but do you know all of these?

argot .com : dictionary of street drug cannabis, marijuana, heroin, cocaine, et al. slang

Or have you ever wondered about sex slang like an angry dragon or a monkey wrench?

http://www.rotten.com/library/sex/rolodex-of-love/

Need to bone up on your racial slurs?

http://www.rsdb.org/

Planning on spending some time in the joint, the clink, the pokey, or the All-Male Sleep and Sexfest?

http://www.insideprison.com/glossary.asp

Spend some time working on your slang and slurs and you’ll find yourself getting your ass kicked in no time. When in doubt, blurt it out.

Lame Ass Celebrity of the Week 8/31

Celebrities decided to stay under my radar this week, so I am going to have to inflict my wrath on not one, but two different athletes. Both of them have been in the news this week for being incredibly stupid. So without further ado, I present this week’s Lame Ass Celebrities of the Week

Fresh off the United States Olympic Basketball team’s gold medal winning performance in the Beijing Olympics, Jason Kidd goes and proves why he deserved to have someone hide a gun or drugs in his carry-on bag, when the team was boarding the plane to come back to the states. As reported in various media outlets, Jason Kidd plans to give his gold medal to Elayne Winn, wife of Steve Winn (the Las Vegas casino owner). He claims it is not because he is paying back any debt, but because when he was there last summer they (the Winns) treated them so well. I’m going to stop right there and take a deep breath. And exhale.

Jason, you double-stuffed O-R-E-O motherfucker. Do you not realize that the owners of casinos generally treat all of their millionaire guests “well”. I’m willing to place a hefty wager that Elayne Winn would be willing to let you live out all of your wife-beater fantasies in her and Steve’s bedroom while Steve chokes himself with the laces from your Nike Air Zoom Flight Five shoes.

It is times like this that I find myself hoping that Coach K goes back to Durham, N.C. and hires a group of the Cameron Crazies to hop up and down on Jason Kidd’s knees. If anything, he could have done the right thing and given his gold medal to Coach K. It’s already total bullshit enough that he doesn’t get a medal, but to have the creaky old, brick-laying, cafe mocha motherfucker slap him in the face by giving his gold medal to some old rich bitch that has been reworked more than her husband’s hotel is just a travesty.

So Jason Kidd, you’re on blast. I hope Mark Cuban dances your ass out of the back door of the AAC for this shit.

Next on my list. Chad Ocho Cinco. Formerly, Chad Johnson of the Cincinnati Bengals. I have to call him this because this stupid mofo went and changed his name legally. Further proving that if you can’t get positive attention for your ability to play on the field, then you might as well go and drum up all sorts of negative attention off of the field. Seriously man, if you put half the effort into running routes and catching footballs, that you spend getting your dumbass on Sportscenter, your team might do more than provide a low intensity workout for 13 teams of the NFL every year. I hope you have a kicker in your contract that accounts for jersey sales, so you will shut the fuck up about not getting paid enough.

Do you know why Larry Fitzgerald (WR from the Arizona Cardinals) got paid $40 for 4 years this summer? It’s because he’s good. He shows up, works his ass off, catches balls, scores touchdowns, and then goes home. He takes care of his biz like a pro and doesn’t throw his team’s chances of winning under the bus so that he can do the cabbage patch in the endzone with a tiger striped shoe shoved up his ass.

It used to be that fans and other teammates laughed along with you. You’re obviously a showman. But the little stunt you pulled of you wearing a Hall of Fame jacket pretty much flipped the switch for everyone. The players that have had spectacular careers and earned their way into the H.O.F. could never support someone that goes so far as to declare that he will be in the Hall. You don’t even deserve to be allowed into the H.O.F. to gawk at the history that you will NEVER be a part of. If Michael Irvin fell into the category of “maybe someday” prior to making it into the H.O.F, then you have no shot in hell. Neither you or your showboating twin, Joe Horn.

Chad Eight Five, you and Jason Kidd are beyond lame. You’re both fucking mockeries of hard work and perserverence. I understand that you had to be good to get to the level of play that you have, but evidently you didn’t have to maintain any sort of humility or intelligence to find yourself as my Lame Ass Celebrities of the Week.

Lame Ass Celebrity of the Week 8/24— Follow-up

Cage Filmed Through Military Coup

27 August 2008 5:07 AM, PDT

Nicolas Cage feared for his safety while shooting new movie Bangkok Dangerous after the Thai military suddenly overthrew the government. (translation: was within 100 miles of a TV station that reported the coup)

The actor, 44 (On a good botox day), was in Thailand in 2006 filming the action flick when violence erupted as the military threw out prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra and his government.

He recalls, “I was on the set around one in the morning, firing an automatic weapon (having a Nam flashback, no less), when the gun wrangler said, ‘You’ve got to stop shooting. There’s a military coup about to happen.’

“I didn’t even know what that meant (shocker). When was the last time we had a military coup in the U.S. (never. The only thing close was when the Confederacy seceded)?

“I kept thinking my son and my wife were at the hotel (and so was my Viagra, Propecia, and Vagisil). So I walked off the set (translation: was driven off in a golf cart), woke them up and I took them to the airport.”

But the star was determined to carry on with the project – despite the threat of violence on the streets (note: his idea of street violence is when two people are walking down the sidewalk and end up doing the “you go this way, I’ll go that way” dance).

He adds: “I left my family at the airport, got back to Bangkok on another plane, flew back to the set – not knowing if I was going back into gunfire or tanks shooting – and finished the movie.” (like a paratrooper on D-Day, my fuckin’ hero)

“There were tanks on the street (and snakes on the motherfuckin’ plane). It was a terrifying experience.”

News from WENN.

Are you kidding me? A military coup, a government overthrow, bullets flying…and not one of them hit Nicolas Cage? Was the coup performed by the A-Team or G.I.JOE? Those are the only 2 military factions that I know of that fire guns and never hit anything.

Lame Ass Celebrity of the Week – 8/24

The Lame Ass Celebrity of the Week this week is none other

than Nicolas Cage.

Why? You might ask.

The question should, “be why not?”. Has this guy been in a movie in the last 5 years that wasn’t a complete turd? Any of you that just thought to yourself, “but what about National Treasure?”, need to stop reading right now. Seriously, click something else. I’m not kidding. Get the fuck out of here. You are not living the high life and you do not get to read my blogs.

Congress should pass a bill that will allocate the funding to have a huge granite hand giving the middle finger erected directly in front of Mt. Rushmore. Then a huge fucking plaque should be put next to it that says, “For Nicolas Cage, the worst actor ever”.

Do you want to know if you’re watching the worst movie ever? Here’s the test: Ask yourself, “Is Nicolas Cage in this movie?”. If the answer is “Yes”, then you are definitely watching the worst movie ever.

This guys sucks so bad that he got turned down for the LOOK WHO’s TALKING movies. The director, producer, and casting agent all are on record as saying that he just wasn’t believable as a human being. Sure he can walk and talk at the same time, but after about 3 seconds of dialogue I feel the overwhelming urge to wipe my ass and flush him down.

The worst part about this guy is that he ruins other actors for me. I went to see GHOST RIDER when it came out because I thought, this motherfucker couldn’t possibly fuck up playing a comic book character. I couldn’t have been more wrong. This guy stumbled through the movie like he had 2 x 4s for legs and he was playing the lead character of a movie about a retarded terminator that wanted to be a gay leather shop mannequin. The shitty thing is that after watching the movie, I have failed to achieve a erection upon looking at Eva Mendes. She’s fucking ruined for me. And this is after seeing her in STUCK ON YOU with the walking Snap-On tools Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear. Seriously, it’s been like 2 years since GHOST RIDER came out and I have yet to get wood thinking about Eva.

You know what else this asshat has ruined for me? Elvis. Not only did he appear as a flying Elvis in the movie that ruined Sarah Jessica “Ferris’ horsefaced wife” Parker, but he had to go and fuck Elvis’ daughter. And you know the only reason he did it was so that he could make her style her hair in the traditional Elvis style, put on a sequined jumpsuit, and pretend he was giving it to her “Jailhouse Rock” style. What’s next? Are you going to date James Brown’s daughter? What are you not into black singers?

I’m willing to bet that Francis Ford Coppola was ecstatic when he found out that you weren’t going to be dragging his ass down by trying to trade on his name. Yeah, I’m talking about you Nick Coppola. What the fuck’s up with actors changing their name? The only people that should change their name are women that get married (if they choose to), and fugitives that spend so long running and hiding from the law that they now have new lives and a spouse and kids. Definitely not actors that appear in cinematic bowel movements, like you, NICOLAS.

And what’s with spelling your name like that? That’s the lamest spelling of the name ever. Everybody knows the only way to spell it is NICHOLAS. The “H” is what makes it awesome. it’s “H”, as in “HOW AWESOME IS MY NAME?”. After further contemplation, I’m glad you spelled it in the traditional female way. Because you have a vagina.

And because you’re the LAME ASS CELEBRITY of the WEEK!

Beware When Stumbling(upon) at Work or Your Mom’s House

Stumbleupon has got to be the best thing to happen to the internet in the last 10 years. There is finally a way to find all of those interesting webpages that are buried deep in subfolders of folders upon folders of shitty websites. I must spend 2-3 hours a day just stumbling around. It’s a great way to waste a lot of time at work (or wherever else).

Recently, while stumbling I have started noticing the new banner ad for fling.com. Normally, I don’t really notice banner ads. Sure, they are now part of the fabric of the internet, but to me they are just another tree for a scene that is set in a forest. But the one for fling is just obnoxious. Here is my Hello Kittyized version. Upon looking at that banner, can you imagine stumbling upon a website where it is plastered right at the top? Now imagine doing that at work. Now imagine you are showing  how cool Stumbleupon is to your mother and father. Like I really need more shit to happen in my life that will leave me totally mortified. Maybe I can give a demonstration of the beauty of Stumbleupon to my grandparents and friends using the big screen projector at their church. That would totally seal the deal and ensure that I am permanently left out of the will.

If you want the full effect, click here (Adult Content).

Consider yourself warned. Stumbleupon is the best thing ever, but don’t forget the Spider-man mantra.

With great power comes great responsibility…and the possibility of boobs and beaver shots.

Help Me Get to Canada, Please!

Were There No Other Old School Rappers Left to Make TV Shows?

I recently discussed some of my all-time favorite music videos that have appeared on MTV and VH1. This got me feeling nostalgic for the days when I used to spend an entire weekend watching The Real World, 120 Minutes, and Singled Out. So, I flipped over to MTV and I was greeted with a mini-marathon of RUN’s HOUSE. Run’s House? You’ve got to be kidding me. This show isn’t “Run’s House” as in TOUGHER THAN LEATHER, this is “Run’s House” as in softer than a baby blanket. Say it isn’t so. Man, Peter Piper picked peppers, but Run rocked rhymes. He didn’t do shows that make the Hills look like feats of production in reality television.

Watching this show is painful and it makes me want to burn my Adidas in effigy. It’s going to take me months of serious KING OF ROCK and RAISING HELL therapy to help me get through this. You know, Rev. Run I didn’t care when Vanilla Ice was on the Surreal Life, or that MC Hammer became a televangelist, but this has killed my respect for the Silver Age of Hip Hop. I kind of expected to see MC Serch (or any other member of 3rd Bass) appearing on wackasstastic rap inspired shows. And I couldn’t care less that Luther “Luke” Campbell now has a Run’s House knock off show. He hasn’t been on my radar since he lost his lawsuit with George Lucas and had to drop “Skywalker” from his name.

But what’s next? A Tribe Called Quest for the Next Lame Reality Show or Big Daddy’s House of Kane? When does it end?

Rev. Joseph. Run. Mr. Simmons. I know your brother sold his soul to the devil of horrible urban fashion a long time ago, but you can’t let him and his exquisitely tittied wife bring you and your ride-or-die wife down to the hell of bad television. If you think you’re such a compelling and entertaining celebrity personality, then why not take the Will Smith, Ice Cube, and 50 Cent route and go into the movie biz. I really think you would have the part of Run if the movie DEF JAM: 25 YEARS LATER ever gets the green light.

And have you even watched your show? I can practically hear the director yelling “ACTION!” and “CUT” at the beginning and ending of each scene. Run, you’re a legend. You couldn’t possibly be doing this for the money. Hulk Hogan needed the money. Nobody wants to see a 70 year old man in yellow spandex wrestling anymore, but people will always listen to RUN DMC when they want to get back to the roots of rap music. At this point you’re like the Pete Rose of rap. You had a great career. One that you could have lived off of until you died, but you gambled and you ruined your legacy. Sure, you’re going to get into all of the hall of fames that VH1, the MTV Music Awards, and the Disney Channel want to dream up, but how can you look into the mirror without it screaming, “Flavor Flaaaaaaaaav”, back at you?

MTV, You Dirty, Dirty Whore

I can vaguely remember when it didn’t matter what time of day you turned on MTV, you’d see music videos. Similar to pop radio, you could count on seeing a hot video every hour on the hour. Now, it seems like the only time I see music videos on MTV or VH1 is when I wake up at 4am and flip on the TV until I fall back to sleep.

I miss music videos. They used to be the best part of enjoying music. So while I was flipping channels last night at 3am, I started getting a little nostalgic and started thinking about all of the music videos that made me want to watch MTV when I was growing up.

I could go on and on about all of the videos that I loved, but I decided to make it a little more personal. So here is my top 10.

Van Halen – Jump

“Ah ha!”

“Hey You!”

“Who said that?”

While Van Halen may have not started the hair band trend of the 80’s, they were a big part of it. The video for “Jump” was like watching the party that your older cousin was always talking about. David Lee Roth was on fire in his neon spandex glory and it was hard not to find yourself smiling after the video was over.

Cake – the Distance

This is one of those videos that on the surface, it doesn’t really make sense. You have a guy that is running an endless race. There are large animal costumes, awesome guitar riffs, and that weird keyboard flute thing. Put it all together, it’s just fun. Hidden in the visuals is the metaphor of the song. It’s a testament to tenacity and endurance. It also happens to be my motto when I feel like giving up.

Duran Duran – Hungry Like the Wolf

This was the first video that I could remember that felt like a movie to me. It was an adventure that played out over the course of 4 minutes. Honestly, when I watched it as a kid of 5 years old, I thought it was a movie trailer. I was incredibly upset when I found out that there wasn’t a feature length movie to see. So I had to settle for Romancing the Stone, what a turd.

Fatboy Slim – Weapon of Choice

I’ve got three words for this one: Christopher Walken dancing. Nuff Sed!

Jamiroquai – Virtual Insanity

Up until OK GO released the video for “Here it Goes Again”, this video was the king of treadmill videos. This video was so cool, that nobody seemed to noticed that lead singer Jay Kay was wearing a top hat made out of a black poodle. On top of releasing a great video for a good song, they followed it up with the best video to feature super exotic sports cars, “Cosmic Girl”.

Radiohead – Just

Radiohead has always been just a little more cool that I will ever be. Maybe that’s why I don’t “get” about 99% of what they put out. “Just” may have not been the biggest single off of their 1995 album, The Bends, but the video was amazingly powerful. It is so simple that it borders on being pure genius. I just wish I knew what the guy told everybody.

Michael Jackson – Billy Jean

This may have not been the biggest video off the Thriller album, but it was one of the most dynamic. The way that the ground and other things would light up as MJ stepped on them was brilliant. Then when you couple that with music video breakthroughs, it makes it legendary. Sure the video for “Thriller” will arguably be considered the best video ever, but this one was the one that I would run home from school to see.

Peter Gabriel – Sledgehammer

I don’t really care for Peter Gabriel’s music. It has always seemed a little too preachy for my taste. It’s probably the same reason I don’t really care for Genesis either. However, the videos from the 1986 album, So, really helped define what a music video could be. They at least reminded me to eat my fruit and veggies.

Spike Jonze’ Body of Work

This is where it gets tough for me. I know I already put one of director Spike Jonze’ videos in my list, but what can I say? The guy makes amazing videos. They are always cutting edge. Just like the way that U2 and Madonna have a way of changing music every time they put out a new album, Jonze changed the face of MTV with each video he directed in the 90’s and 00’s. The following are my all-time favorite videos ever.

Beastie Boys – Sabotage

This is another video that made me wish that there was a movie that I could go see. It was the first single off of my least favorite Beastie Boys album, but it was a new era of cool for the B-Boys. The previous statement about U2 and Madonna also applies to the Beastie Boys.

Weezer – Buddy Holly

It’s the video that let a whole generation know just how cool Happy Days is. I can fondly remember twisting my ankle trying to do the dance that Fonzie performs in the video.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaye”

Olympic Spirit – Get Your Gasmask!

I place my lack of productivity this week on the fact that the Olympics have been on. I find myself staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning watching the evening’s events. Lucky for me, I have the week off. I could go on and on about how the Olympics have caused me to waste a week, but that’s not what has me reaching for the Lysol.

I can remember growing up watching the Olympics and cheering on the likes of Carl Lewis, Greg Louganis (look out for that diving board), and Mary Lou Retton. The sheer dominance displayed by the USA, probably due to the fact that the Soviet Union, Cuba, and East Germany boycotted, in 1984 was enough to make you want to go out and buy Stars and Stripes workout pants. Now? I’m not so sure.

I just finished watching the highlights of (Professional Tennis Player) Thomas Blake defeat (Current World #1 Professional Tennis Player) Roger Federer. This was after I watched the U.S. Men’s Soccer team (or the MLS All-Star team) lose to Nigeria. But it was not before I watched the U.S. Men’s Basketball team (aka the American born NBA All-Stars) dominate host country China and Angola. Angola? WTF? And that’s just on the men’s side.

Where is the true amateur spirit of the Olympics? Where did it go? I miss it.

Now, I can’t help but think that if the United States cared about Archery and Kayaking as much as Football and Baseball, then we would recognize our “amateur” olympians as the pros in their sports that they already are. The fact is, if you get paid $5 or $5 million for participating in a sport, then it’s hard to say that you are an amateur. From what I can tell, by watching the commercials, if you work at the Home Depot and participate in the Olympics then you are still an amateur. Or maybe it’s that you have to have a “real” job that pays your bills to be an amateur.

This ultimately leads me to this conclusion: Here in the United States, if you participate in a sport that fans are willing to pay ungodly amounts of money to go see, then you are a professional. If you participate in a sport that causes people to say, “You play that sport…Why?”, then you are an amateur. This also leads me to believe that if you are an amateur athlete then you will have to go through the Olympic Trials to make the team, and if you are an “amateur” athlete, you just have to affirmatively reply to the “Hey Kobe, wanna play in the Olympics?” mass email that Coach K sent out to the NBA.

The double standard, alone, leads me to wonder why I find myself staying up all night to watch this. I haven’t even started in on the gymnastics (and other sports) factories that China and other countries have established in order to manufacture Olympic gold. My only true realization is that my patriotism must be taking precedence to my cynicism; and like the olympians in Beijing, I am forced to breathe in the foul air that is the Olympic spirit.

Dig Deep!